"Tears don't hurt like the ache does." ~ Anne of Green Gables
To continue the Anne quotes, it's been a "Jonah" week. Those of you on Facebook know Alan was out of town; and after the delivery driver hit our mailbox, Ryan had a bike accident, the car battery died, I received the wrong item from Overstock.com twice, and fought with the copier at church...I feel like I have been wrung through the ringer. Some of those incidents brought tears to my eyes...but those don't hurt like the ache does.
You see, I feel like I lost not 1, but 2 babies this week. Let me explain. Every time a potential baby becomes "available" Bethany Christian Services wiill notify us. They start off by giving us a few details (race, due date, etc). If we are interested in receiving more information we are to let them know. Then they will tell us if they know any more details (location, if birthmom is making healthy choices, etc). Again, if we are interested we let them know.
Now, way back when we were filling out our adoption paperwork, we had to answer questions such as "Would you be interested in a baby if mom smokes? Would you be interested in a baby if mom drinks / does drugs / has "x" disease, etc, etc." Those were difficult decisions to make. Now let me tell you when there is a "real" baby on the line, those questions are way harder to answer. Your brain may tell you one thing, but your yearning heart may tell you another. Every time a baby situation comes up we have to speculate, evaluate, contemplate, and pray. It's usually not a split second decision. It requires an emotional investment. You have to try to picture yourself as the mother of that specific child. When we say, yes, we're interested, we have already committed to be there for that child.
And then you wait. Sometimes the answer comes quickly, sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes that's all you can think about, sometimes life gets in the way and you temporarily forget. But all the while you are waiting to see if the birth mother is going to chose you. Or chose another family. Or chose to parent. As hard as it is to make the decision to say yes, we are interested, it is much harder to wait.
It's hard when the birth mom decides to parent. Is that what's best for the baby? Hard to say. Only God knows for sure. But again, it's much harder when the birth mom choses a different family. So many questions go through your head. Why not us? What's wrong with us? Are we too old? Too fat? Is it because we already have a child? Were we in the running? The second choice? The last choice? It's just hard to wrap my brain around the fact that I already had hopes and dreams for this baby, but unfortunately, was the birth mom didn't want me in her baby's life.
This week I lost 2 more babies. One was a preemie under 2 lbs. I thought for sure this was the baby God wanted me to have - and that was why I wasn't homeschooling Ryan this year - so I could spend time at the hospital. The other baby is due on Christmas Day - my favorite holiday. I recently lost a baby girl that was due on September 24th. Unless you've been through this process, I don't know if you can fully grasp how much it hurts to lose a baby that was never yours to begin with.
Ryan will be turning nine in a few weeks. We started trying for another child when he turned two. That means we've been at this for seven years! Wow. Interestingly, it was a little over seven year ago that we started attending Center Grove Presbyterian Church. Coincidence? I think not. I don't think I could have made it through these past seven years without God by my side. When I am weak, He is strong. I feel that lately I've been getting weaker, so I know I need to lean on Him more. Perhaps that's been His plan all along? ;) The tears may fall, my heart may ache, but I know that I can rest in Him.
I covet your prayers. Help me to rely on Him more to sustain me during these "times that try the soul." Psalm 42 was just what I needed to hear this morning. "...Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." I think this is going to be a better day, a better week. After all, "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it!" :)