I was WORN!

Last year, on February 21, 2013, I was worn.  I had been trying to have a second child for SEVEN YEARS! I had taken Clomid, Double Clomid, done 4 rounds of IVF, and had 2 miscarriages.  I had been in the "process of adoption" for over 2 years.  I had been on the "waiting family" list with Bethany Christian Services for 17 months.  I had opened my heart and said that I was open to 19 different situations, but had not been matched with a baby.  And to top it all off, I had just turned 40.

I was worn.  February 21, 2013 was a cold, rainy day.  I was driving home from the store when a new song came on the radio, "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.  I heard the lyrics and immediately started crying.  It suited me to a tee.  I came home, downloaded the song from iTunes, and listened to it over and over.  I raised my hands to the sky and tried to sing, but could only cry.  I let the song do the speaking for me.  I was worn, and I was done.  I handed it over to God.

The VERY NEXT DAY, February 22, 2013, Rachel was born.  I didn't know it yet, but my life was about to change forever.

To anyone who may be feeling worn please listen to this song, and consider turning everything over to God.  With Him, all things are possible!

2013 Christmas Card

2013 Christmas Card

In case I don't have your address, or your card didn't arrive today, here is the card and letter I sent out. What a difference a year makes!  :)

How the Wilkinson Family Spent 2013

Most years we include a poem or quiz with our cards,

To give a yearly update and send our regards.

We thought about doing so this year too,

By including a Wilkinson year in review.

We could share details such as…

At Boeing, Alan accepted a different position,

And bought a new car without Julie’s permission.

Julie turned 40, spent the night in a Chocolate Store,

Tutored, led Cub Scouts, directed VBS, and more!

Ryan got glasses, was interviewed on TV,

Started percussion lessons and won the Pinewood Derby!

But instead…

We would like to share with you a few of the lessons that God has taught us lately.  We now know that all of His plans were leading up to the most important event of all that our family experienced in 2013:

The adoption of Rachel Anne Wilkinson!

1. God’s plans cannot be thwarted: “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.”  ~ Job 42:2.  It scares us to think that if plans had gone our way, Rachel would never be part of our family.  The rounds of IVF…the hoping and praying we would be matched with other birthparents…we tried so hard to add a baby to our family during the course of seven years.  Thankfully, God had a better plan all along.  Before the world was created, He knew that Rachel was going to be part of our family!  We can tell already that she is a perfect fit for our family!  She loves to snuggle, loves music, and even shares some physical traits with us. 

2.     God’s timing is perfect: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1.  We never imagined we would have a 10 year old and a 10 month old at the same time!  However, God knew the perfect age difference for our children.  Ryan wouldn’t be the same person he is today if he had a sister sooner.  God waited until Alan was done traveling to Florida and Julie had stepped away from some responsibilities at church before granting us another child.  Ultimately, we know He was waiting for Rachel to be born!

3.     God gives us strength in whatever difficulty we face: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10.  There have been many disappointments along the journey we took to expand our family.  Mercifully, God was with us every step of the way!  While we can’t really say we are glad for experiencing the frustrations and challenges, we can say we are grateful for the opportunities to rely upon and trust in Him.  We have certainly grown closer to Him along the way!

4.     God answers prayers: “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.” ~ 1 John 5:14-15. We are so thankful for the prayers and encouragement from many family members and friends that helped us make it through the difficult times.  It was, and still is, a delight to share our exciting news with everyone!

5.     God grants us the desires of our hearts: “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” ~ Psalm 37:4.  In addition to 16 years of marriage, a smart, handsome son, and a cute, fluffy puppy, we now have a healthy, beautiful, baby girl.  What more could we want? We give thanks and praise to God for granting us our hearts’ desires!

We really could go on and on.  God is so good!  “For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.” ~ Psalm 100:5.

Thank you for sharing in our JOY this year!

Alan, Julie, Ryan, & Rachel Wilkinson

And just so Rachel won’t feel left out…

Rachel got 4 teeth, grew 10 inches, and gained 16 pounds,

Found her voice, learned how to crawl, and is cruising around.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to our family and friends!

We wish you peace and God’s Blessings as 2013 ends!

 

"Tears Don't Hurt Like the Ache Does"

"Tears don't hurt like the ache does." ~ Anne of Green Gables

To continue the Anne quotes, it's been a "Jonah" week.  Those of you on Facebook know Alan was out of town; and after the delivery driver hit our mailbox, Ryan had a bike accident, the car battery died, I received the wrong item from Overstock.com twice, and fought with the copier at church...I feel like I have been wrung through the ringer.  Some of those incidents brought tears to my eyes...but those don't hurt like the ache does.

You see, I feel like I lost not 1, but 2 babies this week.  Let me explain.  Every time a potential baby becomes "available" Bethany Christian Services wiill notify us.  They start off by giving us a few details (race, due date, etc).  If we are interested in receiving more information we are to let them know.  Then they will tell us if they know any more details (location, if birthmom is making healthy choices, etc).  Again, if we are interested we let them know.

Now, way back when we were filling out our adoption paperwork, we had to answer questions such as "Would you be interested in a baby if mom smokes?  Would you be interested in a baby if mom drinks / does drugs / has "x" disease, etc, etc."  Those were difficult decisions to make.  Now let me tell you when there is a "real" baby on the line, those questions are way harder to answer.  Your brain may tell you one thing, but your yearning heart may tell you another.  Every time a baby situation comes up we have to speculate, evaluate, contemplate, and pray.  It's usually not a split second decision.  It requires an emotional investment.  You have to try to picture yourself as the mother of that specific child.  When we say, yes, we're interested, we have already committed to be there for that child. 

And then you wait.  Sometimes the answer comes quickly, sometimes it takes longer.  Sometimes that's all you can think about, sometimes life gets in the way and you temporarily forget.  But all the while you are waiting to see if the birth mother is going to chose you.  Or chose another family.  Or chose to parent.  As hard as it is to make the decision to say yes, we are interested, it is much harder to wait.

It's hard when the birth mom decides to parent.  Is that what's best for the baby?  Hard to say.  Only God knows for sure.  But again, it's much harder when the birth mom choses a different family.  So many questions go through your head.  Why not us?  What's wrong with us?  Are we too old?  Too fat?  Is it because we already have a child?  Were we in the running?  The second choice?  The last choice?  It's just hard to wrap my brain around the fact that I already had hopes and dreams for this baby, but unfortunately, was the birth mom didn't want me in her baby's life.

This week I lost 2 more babies.  One was a preemie under 2 lbs.  I thought for sure this was the baby God wanted me to have - and that was why I wasn't homeschooling Ryan this year - so I could spend time at the hospital.  The other baby is due on Christmas Day - my favorite holiday.  I recently lost a baby girl that was due on September 24th.  Unless you've been through this process, I don't know if you can fully grasp how much it hurts to lose a baby that was never yours to begin with.

Ryan will be turning nine in a few weeks.  We started trying for another child when he turned two.  That means we've been at this for seven years!  Wow.  Interestingly, it was a little over seven year ago that we started attending Center Grove Presbyterian Church.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I don't think I could have made it through these past seven years without God by my side.  When I am weak, He is strong.  I feel that lately I've been getting weaker, so I know I need to lean on Him more.  Perhaps that's been His plan all along?  ;)  The tears may fall, my heart may ache, but I know that I can rest in Him.

I covet your prayers.  Help me to rely on Him more to sustain me during these "times that try the soul."  Psalm 42 was just what I needed to hear this morning.  "...Why, my soul, are you downcast?   Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."  I think this is going to be a better day, a better week.  After all, "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it!"  :) 

Please Pray!

So, I'm not really supposed to share any information from the adoption agency about situations.  Here is some generic info.  I just found out that an expectant mom, who has been making healthy choices, is due to have a little girl in September.  The situation sounds perfect.  I would LOVE to have a little girl!  So I am asking for all of my family and friends to please send up prayers that this is the little girl God has planned for us!!!  The more prayers, the better, right?  Thanks!

Praying and Waiting

This was the devotion I got emailed to me today from www.BibleGateway.com ... just what I needed.

Praying and Waiting
Habakkuk 2:1
Additional Scripture Readings: Psalm 130:5-7; Lamentations 3:24-26

There are so many ways in which God's actions or inactions make little sense to us. We ask him for help, and he is silent. We trust in him to provide, and he withholds. But is God inconsistent, or is he simply running according to another time schedule, another set of priorities?
Habakkuk questions God's plan to use the pagan nation of Babylon to discipline wayward Israel. He then settles in to wait for God's answer: "I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what he will say to me, and what answer I am to give to this complaint" (Habakkuk 2:1). Like a guard who waits through his watch with eyes peeled for a sign of movement, Habakkuk waited for God.

So must we. We must pray with a willingness to wait and wait with a willingness to pray. Waiting and praying go together. Like two shoes of a pair or two halves of a whole, they work as a team.

While I'm Waiting

I heard this song on the radio recently and it really spoke to me.

http://youtu.be/Bb7TSGptd3Y

Noah's Patience

Last night I had a dream that I was expecting triplets!  One can only dream...  It's been hard to give up my dream of bearing more children.  I keep telling myself that as soon as the baby we (hopefully) adopt is placed in my arms, I will understand why God has closed that door.  If I gave birth to another baby I probably wouldn't be pursuing adoption...and wouldn't be matched up with the baby God has planned for us.

So why isn't that happening yet?  It was easier to remind myself of God's perfect timing while I still had steps to complete for the adoption process.  But now that all that is done, I want a baby NOW!  I was having a sad morning after my dream.  Then I read Genesis 7-9 in my Bible this morning.  I cannot imagine how impatient Noah must have been to get off that ark!  Can you imagine being cooped up on that thing with all the animals and his family?  No iphone or DSi to occupy everyone?  Talk about going stir crazy!  As soon as it stopped raining he must have wanted to throw open the ark door and hop on out for some fresh air.  But no...he waited...and waited...and waited some more.  Can you imagine what could have happened if Noah hadn't been patient?

So Lord, as I await to see if you have a baby planned for us, please help me to be patient like Noah was.  Help me to keep my eyes turned toward You as I wait, help me to appreciate and enjoy my wonderful life as I am waiting, and to be very grateful that I don't have to spend my time waiting on an ark full of animals!  :)